Malcolm Fucker Wants To Silence Simon Fluster
I don't work in DFID but I have contacts everywhere. One of them passed this email from Malcolm Tucker on to me. I post it at great personal risk for your reading pleasure. FROM: MALCOLM TUCKERTO : JUDY MOLLOY CC: DFID SUBJECT : SIMON FOSTER Dear lovely people of DFID, As you know your esteemed boss went on the radio and announced that there would definitely not be a war. Which seemed strange considering : (a) he was meant to be talking about your hard work combating malaria, malnutrition, AIDS, global poverty, all human suffering, etc. and (b) he was explicitly told not to express an opinion on war unless he wanted his cock chopped, minced and fed back to him as a kind of bloody taramasalata. In his defence he was being interviewed by Eddie Maier - Radio 4's fiercest attack dog after Sandi Toksvig. I am, of course, being massively sarcastic. So. What have we learnt? 1. Simon Foster on the radio is a worse idea than giving Russell Brand and Joseph fucking Fritzel the breakfast show on Heart. 2. Simon has special educational needs. What should be done about this? In the medium term he will have his cock minced and fed back to him as a kind of bloody taramasalata. In the shorter term steps must be taken to prevent a repeat of this twattery. What will you do? You will not let Simon out of your sight. You will not let Simon out full stop. You will keep him away from windows. You will sit on his fucking face. YOU WILL STOP HIM FROM COMMUNICATING IN ANY WAY WITH ANY ONE AT ALL COSTS. You know the game Simon Says? This is like that. Only it's called Simon Doesn't Say Because He's Had His Tongue Cut Out And Minced And Fed Back To Him As A Kind Of Tonguey Taramasalata. As you also know we have some important American guests arriving in town. It is imperative that your Minister does not spurt his unwanted emissions at them or near them. I don't want him saying anything remotely controversial. I don't want him saying anything uncontroversial. Not even : 'James fucking Corden's everywhere at the moment'. NOTHING. I want him as quiet as a very timid mime artist who's been bound and gagged and murdered. Underwater. Do I make myself understood? The answer is yes. Thank you for your attention. I look forward to not hearing from you again. Thank you for your attention. VB, Malcolm |
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